Aug 21 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Tangled

“Tangled” is the animated story of Jaycee Dugard. Wait, that can’t be right…

“Tangled” is an updated story of Rapunzel, the girl with extra long hair who is trapped in a tower by an evil witch. That’s the typical story we’re told growing up, but this is Disney’s spin on it. In the Disney version, Rapunzel is a girl with magic hair who is trapped in a tower by an evil witch and has a chameleon. See how different it is?

In “Tangled,” Rapunzel(voiced by Mandy Moore) is pretty damned happy considering she’s been trapped in a tower for most of her life. She still has the willpower to sing upbeat songs about the things she does all day. When Flynn Rider(voiced by Zachary Levi), a swashbuckling thief makes his way into her tower, she convinces him to take her to see the lanterns that appear in the sky each year on her birthday.

The bulk of the film is the pair trying to get to the lanterns and avoid the guards, witch and horse that are hunting them down. The action scenes are a lot of fun and really engaging. The real strong point is in the animation. Every character conveys great emotion even the ones who don’t speak like the chameleon and the horse, Maximus. Maximus is one of the best characters in “Tangled.” He’s like a mix between Jim Carey and Robin Williams, but not as big of a horse’s ass during interviews.

“Tangled” stumbles at points, especially in the songs. Mandy Moore and Donna Murphy sound great, but instead of being classic songs that people will sing during drunken karaoke in their mid twenties, they feel more like a desperate college student who switches his paper font to Courier New in order to get that extra two pages and meet the minimum requirement. Also, Rapunzel’s hair seems to change length to fit the situation but if you’re able to say to yourself, “Oh, right, magic hair,” you should be fine.

“Tangled” is undeniably cute. The songs are lacking, but the animation and the characters’ ability to show emotions are what push it over the edge and make it a Nap Before.

Aug 18 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Teeth

“Teeth” is like having an interesting meal that challenges your palate and then being served a heaping bowl of severed dicks for dessert.

Dawn(Jess Weixler) is nearly the ideal daughter. She doesn’t get into much trouble, isn’t going through a rebellious teen stage, and even lectures for the local abstinence program, but she’s not without her issues. Dawn, like a lot of teens, has some weird things going on with her body. Mainly the teeth growing inside her vagina. (It’s totes normal.)

It’s really best for her that her vagina is now a veritable sarlacc waiting in the pit of Carkoon that is her vagina because nearly every male in her life is interested in having non-consensual or dishonest sexual relations with her.

-

Once you’re familiar with the plot, your mind begins to fill in the details, and “Teeth” really does fulfill every image you can conjure. The acting is on par with most other bad horror movie and the overall story is pretty absurd. The major problem with “Teeth” is that it has so much promise in the beginning. The idea of women evolving a mechanism to protect themselves from unwanted sexual encounters is very interesting, but once the bad things you pictured in your head when you read ” teeth growing inside her vagina,” begin to happen, everything falls part.

The symbolism is as subtle as a vagina biting a dick off; some scenes deteriorate to Dawn screaming, ” Vagina dentata,” over and over; and most of the characters are one-dimensional(that dimension turns out to be rapist).  “Teeth” is really frustrating because the beginning was so promising, but in the end it gets a Sleep Throughout for unfortunately being exactly what you thought it would be.

[Note: This review was based on a reader suggestion. If you have a movie you'd like me to review, please send me an e-mail or leave a comment.]

Jul 29 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Captain America

“Captain America” is two hours of set up and a 30 second trailer for a disappointing movie coming out in 2012.

All Steve Rogers(Chris Evans) wants is to serve his country. America’s entry to World War II is afoot and Steve feels it’s his duty to fight. The only problem is… well, he has a crap load of problems. He’s small, he has asthma, a bad family medical history and has already been turned down four times. Can you imagine in what bad shape you’d have to be in for a 1940′s doctor to deny you military service? That guy would be more likely to prescribe cocaine and cigarettes for your asthma than tell you not to go fight NAZIs.

Steve Rogers gets his chance to serve when he meets Dr. Abraham Erskine(Stanley Tucci). Dr. Erksine is the head of a secret project to develop an American super soldier. Steve Rogers really must want to do what he can do for his country because for all he knows this secret project could have been unknowingly taking LSD or trying to destroy goats with his mind bullets. Nevertheless, it turns him into the super soldier as promised.

Steve Roger’s greatest enemy is not Adolf Hitler, but Johann Schmidt(Hugo Weaving), head of the NAZI R&D department and all around bad dude. He’s discovered some sort of something artifact and is harnessing its power to create District 9 style obliteration guns and other city destroying weapons. During Dr. Erskine’s early NAZI scientist days, he put Johann Schmidt trough a similar super soldier project and that for some reason made him have (I guess if you haven’t seen the trailer this is a spoiler alert) a red skull. So, he’s also Red Skull, but don’t worry he wears a human mask for most of the movie.

This leads to one of my biggest problems with “Captain America.” During a significant portion of the movie, they tease Red Skull. Schmidt has some sort of weird tick that looks like the cockroach guy from Men in Black and in one scene he shoots a guy and some RED blood gets on his SKULL broach. Now, this wouldn’t really have been a problem if they hadn’t shown Red Skull in many of the trailers. So at this point teasing Red Skull is like a stripper giving you a  lapdance after she jerked you off in the alley.

Despite this annoyance, the rest of the movie works really well. The effects to make Chris Evans look tiny pre-secret project are just as impressive as the steroids it took to make him look buff post-secret project. Humor is used to great effect. Most of which coming in the beginning, but also during Captain America’s experiences with the propaganda of the time.

At times things seem completely over the top or super patriotic, but you kind of have to expect that from “Captain America.” It just doesn’t seem too forced even it is all a we-are-America-and-America-is-the-greatest-never-doing-wrong-never-doing-harm mentality. Just sit back and enjoy it knowing that all the people Steve Rogers kills are NAZIs and that makes it a-okay. “Captain America” gets a Nap Before.

Jul 4 2011

Movies I Slept Through – The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

“The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” is the sexually deviant love child of Kenny Rogers and Andrew Lloyd Weber.

[Note: I may slip into some Southern dialect during this review, but if you watch the movie, you won't blame me.]

Miss Mona Strangely(Dolly Parton) is a real nice lady. She supports local charities, pays more than her fair share of taxes and runs the most morally responsible whorehouse west of the Mississippi(Probably east of the Mississippi too, but that just doesn’t flow as well). Miss Mona’s whorehouse, better known as The Chicken Ranch, has grown into an institution of Lanville County, Texas.

Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd is well aware of the goings on out at The Chicken Ranch, but turns a blind eye to it. Partly on account of they never have any trouble from the girls out there and partly on account of he has an ongoing relationship with Miss Mona.

Things have run smoothly in this part of Texas for a long time. They don’t bother nobody and nobody bothers them. That is until sensationalistic reporter, Melvin P. Thorpe(Dom DeLuise(F*ck Yeah!)), rolls into town to do a Watchdog Report on the The Chicken Ranch and how the local law enforcement neglects the debauchery that’s happening right under their nose.

Did I mention this is a musical? It seems that may have slipped my mind.

At first, “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” is somewhat off-putting. When you see Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton running around doing sexual stuff all you can think of is modern day Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton doing sexual stuff, but that quickly fades away once you just accept the absurdity of everything. They both were kind of in their heyday with Reynold’s mustache being at it’s mustacheiest and Dolly’s boobs at their boobiest.

Dom DeLuise is a lot of fun as the girdle wearing, crotch stuffing, morally righteous reporter attempting to ruin everyone’s fun. He’s like what Glenn Beck would be today if Glenn Beck could cary a tune.

The women of The Chicken Ranch are all dressed in negliges and weird 80s clothing as if they’re headed to a hipster party(Ironically enough, there’s a 47% chance that at the party “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” will be projected on a wall somewhere). In a world before internet porn, I could see how this may have had a profound impact on some younger guys.

The songs featured in “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” either fall on the side of being weirdly fun or funnily weird. My personal favorite being when the Texas A&M Aggies sing and dance after a victory because they know they’re on their way to The Chicken Ranch and they’re all wearing their finest neckerchiefs. (On a historical note, according to this movie, the 1982 Texas A&M football team only included one black guy. Don’t worry though, The Chicken Ranch, employs exactly one black lady of the night)

If there’s one lesson to be learned from “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas,” it’s that a society of laws based on conservative morals is not always the best way to approach things. If there’s a second lesson to be learned, it’s that people would get a lot more banging done if they weren’t so busy singing.  ”The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” is a fun and whimsical farce that can be laughed at (and occasionally with) and isn’t to be taken too seriously. Feel free to Doze Off during it, but wake up once in a while to bank another image of Dolly’s plunging neckline or sneak a peak at Burt’s wondrous chest rug.

[Note: This review was based on a reader's suggestion. If you have a movie you want me to review, send an e-mail or leave a comment.]

Jun 20 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Midnight in Paris

In “Midnight in Paris,” Woody Allen takes me back to the time I spent roaming the streets of Paris in “Twisted Metal 2.”

Gil(Owen Wilson) is a screenwriter who has grown weary of the Hollywood scene. He’s begun working on a novel, but isn’t really confident in his ability to pull off a real piece of art. Gil travels to Paris with his fiance Inez(Rachel McAdams) and her parents(Kurt Fuller and Mimi Kennedy) to celebrate a merger between her father’s company and a French company.

Gil doesn’t get along with Inez’s parents, he’s always looking for an argument and to make matters worse, Gil and Inez run into Paul and Carol(Michael Sheen and Nina Arianda), a couple they know from home. Gil doesn’t get along with Paul either. To be fair, Paul is a pretentious know-it-all who refuses to admit he’s wrong; going as far as to argue with a tour guide.

Actually, Gil doesn’t seem to get along with anyone. He loves Paris, but no one  shares his appreciation for the city’s beauty. He loves walking the streets and dreaming of all the great artists who walked those same streets in the past. Late one night, after a party, Gil decides to walk back to his hotel instead of going dancing with his wife and her friends. While wandering, Gil realizes he’s lost his way so he takes a seat on a stair case. As he sits a bell rings midnight in the distance and a anachronistic car pulls up.

The door opens and a French couple beckons him to enter. Now, personally, I’m not getting into a strange car with anyone after midnight; I don’t care how French the people are. Luckily for the movie, Gil isn’t me. The car takes Gil to what he believes is an elaborate 1920s costume party, but quickly realizes he has actually been transported back to the 1920s. Gil spends the rest of the film jumping back and forth between the past and present visiting some of his heroes and figuring out what is really important to him.

Every performance in “Midnight in Paris” is great. You dislike everyone you’re supposed to dislike and love everyone you’re supposed to love because the film captures Gil’s perspective perfectly. This movie really is a love letter to the city of Paris and a great exploration of the idea that things were better in the past. If you’re the type of person who actually enjoyed a lot of the things you were forced to read in high school, you’ll enjoy “Midnight in Paris.”

A lot of people are freaked out by Woody Allen. I can’t say I blame them, I personally believe he kind of hates women. Most of the movies I’ve seen from him involve a man who’s smart and is well aware of it, but is dating or married to a woman who he feels far superior too except for the fact that she has some sort of emotional control over him. If you have anything against Woody Allen, please set that aside , drink a Full Energy Drink and enjoy.

Jun 18 2011

Movies I Slept Through – X-Men: First Class

“X-Men: First Class” is a $160 million excuse to make James McAvoy one degree away from Kevin Bacon.

At this point, most people are familiar with the X-Men. They’re a bunch of mutants with special powers who run around either trying save the humans from a bunch of other mutants with special powers who are trying to kill the humans. It’s been mentioned in previous films that Professor X, the leader of the pro human mutants, and Magneto, the leader of the anti human mutants, were once good friends. ”X-Men: First Class” is the story of their friendship.

As a young man, pre getting Christopher Reevesed, Charles is bold. He grew up as a child of privilege; using his powers as a telepath to get what he wanted, including women. He’s kind of like the main character in “What Women Want” but instead of wanting to destroy the jews he just wants mutants to be accepted.

Erik Lehnsherr(Michael Fassbender) discovered he had the ability to control metal while under extreme pressure at a concentration camp. The man running the camp, Sebastian Shaw(Kevin Bacon), noticed Erik’s ability and decides to help him harness it. Sebastian, being a Nazi and all, doesn’t use the nicest tactics in getting the young boy to embrace his powers. When Erik is older, he turns his sights on tracking down the people who wronged him in the past. Sebastian Shaw is top of the list and during one of his attempts to defeat Shaw, Erik meets Charles.

The bulk of “X-Men: First Class” takes place during the 1960s. For the most part, they did a really good job of capturing that era. Close attention is paid to details and the plot even ties into some historical events. James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender and Kevin Bacon all fit in, but I felt like the younger mutants just didn’t look like they were from the 1960s. There’s one training scene in particular where one of the kids had the sleeves cut off of his sweat suit, and it just stuck out and bothered me.

James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender give really nice performances. Any time they’re on the screen is fun to watch, which is a good thing because they have to carry the film. Kevin Bacon is good as well he’s much closer to being the “let’s turn invisible and rape people” guy from “Hollow Man” than the “let’s get drunk and dance” guy from “Footloose”.

“X-Men: First Class” is a fun super hero movie that at times feels like a spy movie. All the fights and special effects are pretty exciting and the stakes of the final battle were ratcheted up by having it tie in with actual events. It does falter a bit when it attempts to show the origin of some of the monikers the characters became known as, but over all, you should nap before so you don’t miss any of the cool action scenes.

Jun 11 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Super 8

“Super 8″ is a really good episode of the Wonder Years mixed with Cloverfield.


After his mother dies, Joe Lamb(Joel Courtney) has trouble connecting with his father. Jackson Lamb(Kyle Chandler) is a Sheriff’s deputy and has never really understood his son. Joe would rather help his friends make a zombie movie than go to the baseball camp his father would prefer.

Joe’s best friend, Charles(Riley Griffiths), is a budding director who really wants to win an upcoming film competition. He’s bossy, has a temper and a catch phrase so he’s only a finished product from becoming successful.

The group of friends are rounded out with the nerdy tall kid, the nerdy camera man and the pyromaniac, oh and a girl, but she’s a new addition. While shooting a scene at a train station, they witness an epic train crash that they all miraculously walk away safely, save for a scrape or two.

This being a JJ Abrams movie, the train was carrying something no one was supposed to know about. The military quickly swoops in to take over the crash cleanup. The longer this goes on, the more weird things begin to happen: people disappear, weird things like car motors are being stolen and dogs are running away. By the way, any time all the animals start running away, you run the ef away too.

“Super 8″ harkens back to the days of the late 70s when people were afraid the Soviets could nuke us at any moment, but children could be out at all times of the day without the threat of some guy with a van pulling up to brutally murder them. I didn’t grow up during those times, but I have to be honest, they kind of seem right.

The film focuses mostly on the children, relying on them to be relatable and carry the brunt of the emotional load. That being said, they all did a really nice job. They come off as real kids. Joel Courtney and Riley Griffiths have great chemistry together as best friends who sometimes have issues but ultimately realize friendship is more important. Elle Fanning is nice as Alice, the bad girl who comes in and is actually a really good actress in their movie. Ryan Lee also stands out as Cary, the kid with a foul mouth and penchant for blowing things up. He seems to be channeling Tanner from “Bad News Bears”, but in an endearing way. He even looks like him.

I haven’t had much opportunity to praise Kyle Chandler when it comes to movies, but I am a big fan of the television show “Friday Night Lights” where he plays Coach Taylor and does an amazing job. He has the ability to convey so many things without speaking and even when he’s being distant or angry you can see he still loves his son. I hope this movie helps more people see that and we get to see him a lot more often.

Overall, “Super 8″ is about nostalgia. Even if you didn’t grow up in the late 70s or early 80s you can appreciate the honesty with which the kids approach their home spun movie. There are a few winks at future events that people who make period movies always like to slide in, but “Super 8″ has enough restraint that they don’t become annoying.

“Super 8″ also reminds us a great thing about children which is, even in the face of horrible disaster, the little things still matter to them. If you forgot to come to a baseball game because a giant monster is rampaging through the city, you still forgot about the baseball game.

Put simply, “Super 8″ is an excellent movie. Drink a Full Energy Drink and just enjoy a time before they existed. Also, stay during the credits because you get to watch the edited together movie the kids were making and it really just makes you smile and feel good.

May 25 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Thor

“Thor” is what would happen if a grown up Richie Rich had purchased a really sweet Halloween costume.

God of Adventures in Babysitting

Most everyone I know assumes I read comics. Simply put, I don’t. I can hold my own in a conversation about comics because I know a lot of people that do read comics and if you mention one thing they will talk for the next 45 minutes without realizing you don’t actually care. That being said, when I was younger, I would pick up a few comics from time to time and when I did, I chose  Thor.

So, having some history with the source material, I was wary of the ability to translate it into film. Thor differs from most other Marvel characters because, well, he’s an actual deity from Norse mythology and brings all of that baggage with him. Marvel tends to put things in the real world with characters growing up in actual cities and Thor is kind of the exact opposite. On to the movie!

“Thor” begins with a brief encounter on Earth and then quickly thrusts us into the realm of Asgard, where the Norse gods dwell. Long ago, frost giants had come to Earth to wreak havoc upon the pitiful humans.  Asgardians appeared, led by Odin(Anthony Hopkins) and essentially kicked their asses, stole their power and sent them back to World 6 of Super Mario Bros. 3.

In present day Asgard(I guess), Odin has two sons: Thor(Chris Hemsworth) and Loki(Tom Hiddleston). Thor grows up to be the clear heir to Odin’s throne. He’s big and strong and a bit of a prick. Loki is jealous of the attention Thor receives. He’s smaller, but tricky and a bit of a prick.

Thor isn’t happy with some of the decisions Odin makes so he decides to travel to Super Mario Bros. 3 World 6 and finish off the Frost Giants once and for all.

Pro Tip: Use the Magic Flute to take the Rainbow Bridge and get the Hammer of Thor Suit.

Thor and his buddies fight the Frost Giants for a while, but eventually have to be saved by Odin riding the mighty Sleipnir, an eight legged horse.(The horse’s name isn’t mentioned and it isn’t important to the story, but I wanted you to know how smart I am.) Odin is pretty pissed because Thor kind of violated a truce that had been around for quite a while and banishes him to Earth There(Or… here?) Thor meets some affable scientists(Natalie Portman, Erik Selvig and Kat Dennings) in the whitest small town in New Mexico and learns what it means to be mortal. Meanwhile in Asgard, Loki uses his trickery to become the ruler.

Reading the plot or even explaining it, things seem complicated, but I have to give the film credit because at no time did I feel confused. Other than that, there aren’t any bright shining stars in “Thor”, but there aren’t any glaring holes either. The movie shifts tone a bit when it jumps from Asgard to Earth, focusing more on the fish out of water stuff on Earth. The humor is hit and miss, but overall is passable. The Frost Giants also seem to change sizes depending on how intimidating they need to look, but it’s off putting and doesn’t make a lot of sense.

My main problem with “Thor” is Loki is right. He essentially grew up feeling like Thor was the favored son, and that’s because he was. Odin told them both that one would grow up to be the ruler, but never had any intention of choosing Loki. Loki’s the type of leader that people will look back on in a few years and say, “You know, Loki did a lot of bad stuff, but he did get rid of the Jews- I mean Frost Giants.”

“Thor” is a pretty fun movie, but you won’t miss much if you Doze Off during some of the slower parts. If you’re looking forward to the upcoming “Avengers” movie, keep a hawkeye out for a cameo and don’t forget about the bonus scene at the end of the credits.

May 17 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Side Out

“Side Out” was born in the 90′s, but is the bastard child of the 80′s.

You're a slow motion, shirtless montage away from happiness.

“Side Out” stars(if you can call it that) C. Thomas Howell as Monroe Clark, a Wisconsinian? Wisconsinite? Wi… dude from Wisconsin who is spending the summer working for his uncle’s law firm. His uncle, played by Terry  Kiser, gives him the soul crushing yet lawyer pleasing task of serving eviction notices.

Monroe’s best friend Wiley(Christopher Rydell), who’s a guy that conned him into getting into his car at the airport. (It’s funny how in movies the guy who lures you into his car becomes your crazy sidekick, but in real life he just locks the doors until you pay him $75 for a 15 minute ride.) introduces him to the new, super rad sport of Beach Volleyball.

Monroe is quickly caught up in the fast paced world of underground beach volleyball where the women are loose and the neon shorts are mandatory. Monroe also realizes one of the men he’s tasked with evicting is none other that the original “king of the beach” himself, Zack Barnes(Peter Horton).

Zack eventually agrees to coach Monroe and Wiley, but when Wiley gets injured(a la the ringer in that episode of Saved by the Bell at the beach resort) Zack decides to team up with Monroe to compete in the Jose Cuervo Classic(which I’m guessing is the biggest tournament this side of the Olympics).

Oh, Monroe also meets a cocktail waitress named Samantha, who’s played by Courtney Thorne-Smith at the height of her ultimate California girl stage. Things with her play out exactly as expected. Actually, everything in this movie plays exactly as expected.

The beauty of “Side Out” isn’t in the acting or directing or plot. It’s in how terrible the early nineties were. There’s an actual neon fashion show taking place during one scene. Who needs all those nasty pastels when you can burn out someone’s eyes with neon? “Side Out” has more homoerotic beach scenes than Rocky III and more shirtless montages than Rocky IV. It truly is a thing of beauty.

There’s no point in staying awake for much of this movie, but if you were to sleep through the whole thing you wouldn’t understand why the two guys they’re facing at the end have such harsh things to say like, “You’re gonna wish you never showed up.” and, “Take that.”

“Side Out” gets a Nap During. The neon and seriousness with which they approach beach volleyball won’t allow your body to sleep throughout.

May 14 2011

Movies I Slept Through – Bridesmaids

“Bridesmaids” is “The Hangover” for girls… with balls.

A few months ago, I remember seeing a few different articles about Kristen Wiig and how she gets too much screen time on SNL. While I like her for the most part(I hate that Penelope character with a fiery passion… and I do very few things with a fiery passion), I couldn’t deny that she seems to pop into nearly every sketch. It does bother me when there’s a sketch she doesn’t belong in and here she comes with some absurd character. So here’s a two hour plus movie with Kristen Wiig as the central character. Oh boy.

Annie (Kristen Wiig) is down on her luck. She isn’t happy with her romantic life, her work life or her home life. The only thing she really has going for her is her best friend Lillian(Maya Rudolph). Lillian and Annie have been friends since they were young and when Lillian gets engaged, it’s natural she asks Annie to be her maid of honor.

Annie is quickly thrown in over her head. She isn’t quite ready emotionally to deal with all the pressures and feels overshadowed by Lillian’s new friend, Megan (Rose Byrne). Annie also meets a rational-nice-dream boy(The anti-manic-pixie dream girl) but she won’t let herself fall for him.

Now, on paper this seems like a movie some executive would throw Kate Hudson in and wipe his (or her) ass with the script. It would have been easy to do that. I guess we’re lucky that “Something Borrowed” came along so a movie that people can actually enjoy could be made.

Kristen Wiig does a great job in the lead role. She has great chemistry with nearly everyone in the cast and the friendship between her and Maya Rudolph really shines. The tension between her and Rose Byrne is nice as well, although some of their scenes deteriorate into a Penelope SNL sketch. Which is really the worst thing possible.

Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy, as the other bridesmaids, all have their moments to shine with Melissa McCarthy stealing several scenes.

My favorite part was Chris O’Dowd(The IT Crowd) as the nice guy cop that Annie doesn’t realize his perfect for her. It was nice to seem him make the jump from across the pond. He has great chemistry with Kristen Wiig and I look forward to seeing him in more productions here.

The great things about “Bridesmaids” is the balance it manages to strike between being the raunchy frat boy “Hangover” type comedy and still having a feminine side. My fear is that guys will look at this movie and say they don’t want to see it because it stars a bunch of girls, but that’s some ol’ bullshit. There’s a lot to laugh at here as long as you can put up with vomit, poop and adorable puppies(not all at the same time).

At just over two hours “Bridesmaids” does feel long in spots and the scenes that go on so long they deteriorate into a Penelope sketch really bothered me a lot, but everything else is enough to make up for it. Take a nap before and enjoy this movie.