0:08 – Finally, a live action Angry Birds made by a real director.

0:18 – Now is the moment we can all reflect on the quirkiness of Wed Anderson.

0:23 – I just got flashbacks to My Girl. Why would you go back if you know you’re allergic to bees?! WHY?!

0:28 – Seems to me all of these issues could have been solved more efficiently.

0:36 – If this is Wes Anderson’s Surviving the Game remake, I’m completely in.

0:46 – Edward Norton… you have won me over.

0:57 – Oh man, the quirk keeps comin’.

1:00 – Can we please bring back this look for age appropriate women?

1:08 – Eye patch kid just gave me an idea. Best/Worst drinking game ever: Do a shot every time something is just quirky for the sake of being quirky. I think we’re up to 5 already and this is just the trailer.

1:13 – Shot!

1:14 – Shot!

1:23 – FYI, this is a misleading choice during zombie apocalypse. Seems good, but if it gets lodged in a skull, you’re in trouble.

1:42 – Shot!

1:51 – Annnnnnnnd shot!

What can I say to you Wes Anderson? I mock your quirkiness but I’m still drawn to it. I’m due to revisit some of his movies. I never saw Darjeeling Limited because I hated Life Aquatic. To be fair, I watched it hours after going to a funeral and that’s quite possibly the worst movie to see in that situation. Maybe a revisit is in order?

I’m totally down to see “Moonrise Kingdom.” Wes Anderson does movies that are not only perfect to sleep through, but you want to sleep through them multiple times.

0:04 – Not even to anything yet and I feel like it’s not going to be as good as Slap Shot. *sigh*

0:17 – Aw, Sean William Scott is so lonely.

0:19 – Glad to see that guy. I never learned his name, but he was acceptable as the Stephen in Undeclared. And, yes, I am too lazy to check IMDB. Some of us have jobs to do people.

0:30 – “I’m a fighter, not a lover.”

0:51 – Man, 69, so great. What a funny number. You see, it’s funny because there’s a sexual position in which… oh, you already know? Oh, you’ve known for like 17 years? I guess we should make that joke anymore, huh? I guess it’d be ok to make that joke, but if I were to make a movie I definitely wouldn’t put it in the trailer. Is this supposed to be a selling point? Hey, you remember that joke you were kinda too young to get in Billy Madison, but then found it funny as you got older? Here it is again except you didn’t grow up with it and so it’s not funny now. Hey, look, a movie trailer!

1:05 – Oh, I see, he said, “No glory holes here tonight.” You see, a glory hole is a sexual… wait, didn’t we just do this?

1:28 – Not gonna lie… I know it’s all fighting and sex jokes so far, but I’m already kinda bored.

1:33 – Oh, more sex and violence.

1:38 – Really Liev Schreiber?

1:47 – This movie had better climax with a time where it gets down to these two or I’m gonna be angry.

2:15 – I’m legitimately surprised they didn’t make a black guy playing hockey joke there… I definitely would have…

I’m a sucker for sports movies. Really, I’m a sucker for all movies, but I remember a B.S. Report last year where Bill Simmons pitched a movie idea similar to this, but directed by Jason Reitman. Man, I wish I lived in that world.

0:14 – Ah, Ridley Scott, famed director of Hannibal and G.I. Jane

0:17 – I’m a sucker for space ships.

0:22 – Three? Is this the square root prequel to Nine? I’m excited already.

0:23 – Ok, flame throwers and space ships, I’m listening.

0:28 – Hmmmm, this slanted line character seems interesting.

0:30 – Ah! Too many lines. Too many lines. What does it all mean?

0:34 – Me: Are there any “N’s?”

Pat Sajak: Nope, no “N’s,” sorry.

Me: I’d like to solve the puzzle.

Pat Sajak: But you just guessed..

Me: I said I’d like to solve the puzzle.

Pat Sajak: Do whatever you want, just promise to let me out of this basement.

0:36  – Pretty ladies in space… go on…

0:46 – What did Prometheus do again? (Quickly reference brain, definitely not wikipedia) Ah, yes, stole fire from the Gods and was bound to a giant rock while an eagle ate his liver every day. I hope this movie is the origin story of the iPod.

What can I say? I’m a sucker for space stuff. This is a prequel to Alien. It could go either way to be honest. I gotta say, I like that Ridley Scott likes strong female protagonists.

Prometheus looks like it’s going to be epic and awesome, but I can’t imagine it being something I’d stay awake through the entire time. Still though… aliens, flame throwers and space ladies. I’m buying a ticket; even if it does turn out that we’re all clones of the original lady thing or something… androids.

0:10 – Cool tie, bro

0:17 – Nom nom nom so hungry

0:38 – “…and fuck the troops during times of peace.”

1:04 – This is one of those instances where Chris Rock said it was ok to shake a woman.

1:18 – Rise! EVERYONE DO A SHOT!

1:26 – That football player doesn’t seem to be running fast enough.

1:29 – Oh, ok. Makes sense now.

1:35 – That line gave me badass goosebumps

1:43 – I loved you in “Brick”!

1:51 – It’s the Bat Flying Machine Thingyyyyy! Fear it!

1:58 – YEAH he does.

I’m excited. The early word on the street is that it’s tough to understand Bane when he speaks, but that’ll just make it easier to nod off for a little bit.

0:06 – Here we go

0:14 – Oh no, am I about to make a Sandusky reference in two straight posts?

0:22 – Please, I don’t want to

0:28 – No Gandalf, not you too. Is nothing sacred?!

0:31 – Oh, thank God.

0:48 – I just realized Tolkien may be a little less creative than what we thought.

1:00 – *sigh* Alright, I’m in, let me roll up my character.

1:15 – Dammit!

1:26 – I can’t help but imagine what this would be like if Guillermo Del Toro had stayed aboard. Especially after coming across this concept art:

2:05 – Sorry, I was wiping away drool.

2:11 – To be so precious, Gollum sure has a hell of a time holding on to that ring. (I know, I know, the ring has a will of its own… leave me alone)

What’s not to be excited about here? I’m glad it’s going to be two parts. Consider my tickets bought and paid for. Actually, I’ve already pre-ordered the extended blu-ray complete collection and bought tickets to when a symphony performs the score live too.

When it comes to realism and the people who made “New Year’s Eve,” not a single fuck was given.

During the credits of “New Year’s Eve” they play outtakes. This is a common practice which harkens back to the days of “Smokey and the Bandit,” but there’s one outtake in particular that sums up my feelings on the movie as a whole. A doctor is between a woman’s legs and pulls out a copy of “Valentine’s Day” on Blu Ray(it’s written and directed by the same duo). The doctor then pulls out a copy of “Valentine’s Day” on DVD and says, “Look twins.” It’s a clever plug for their other film and I really have no problem with it in general, but my problem is that DVDs and Blu Rays aren’t FUCKING twins. There is no care taken in any of the details of “New Year’s Eve.”

At first glance, “New Year’s Eve” seems like a quick cash grab with a bunch of possibly-could-be stars and no-longer-what-they-used-to-be stars and that’s exactly what it is. I’m not going to bother reviewing the acting or directing of this it because there isn’t one solid plot. It’s just a bunch of different stuff contritely tied together. Yes there are a lot of story lines and it’s sometimes difficult to keep up, but they’re all so bland you wouldn’t want to if you could. The style isn’t the problem. It’s the execution at every stage.

You can feed me warmed over crap and I’ll accept it. I may not enjoy it, but I’ll still watch it. “New Year’s Eve” actually laps itself and came back to me actually enjoying its awfulness.

So here’s the deal. I’m going to touch on most of the story lines and explain my major problems with them. Some of these are not complete thoughts or sentences because the filmmakers didn’t give a shit and I figure I shouldn’t either:

• The movie revolves around two major parties. One of them is at Times Square and the other takes place at the Brooklyn Museum. Many of the characters travel back and forth with absolutely no issues. I know it’s probably because I live in New York, but I call bull shit. It’s just impossible to get back and forth in any reasonable amount of time. Especially on New Year’s Eve.
• At one point, Bon Jovi’s character was in his bus strumming on his guitar and playing a Meatloaf song. That’s almost not fair to Meatloaf. It’d be like if Ryan Reynolds started playing Silent Bob in Kevin Smith movies.
• Michelle Pfeiffer’s resolutions…
• They were so absurd that if you read them and saw she waited til the last day of the year to accomplish them the only appropriate response would be, “Bitch, please.” One was “take a trip to Bali” and another was “take a trip around the world”. In one day? come on, lady.
• The courier(Zac Effron) was helping her solve her resolutions in order to get tickets to a party. He delivered the tickets to her, but they were for a party that her work was throwing. Why would he specifically deliver tickets to one lady at this office? Would a large shipment have come in and the company distribute them then?
• I’ll be generous and say this storyline started around 2pm. The amount of times they go from Manhattan to Brooklyn to Queens is absurd, especially considering that some of the “resolutions” took time to complete.
• I’m not sure if you watch “Modern Family,” but Sofia Vergara has an accent. Oh, and boobs, she has boobs too, but mostly an accent. The trend continues here.
• There’s a refusal to curse in this movie, which I understand, but at one point in time, one of the characters points it out and it drove me crazy.
• Josh Dumael’s storyline:
• He was trapped in New Jersey and must get back to meet his lost love and to give a giant speech at the company party. Oh, and his dad died at some point.
•  Good thing he catches a ride with a family that’s going to see something at Radio City Music Hall on New Year’s Day and they think it’s a good idea to drive into the city on New Year’s Eve in AN RV. WHAT?!
• My favorite line in the movie came from Abigail Breslin’s character to her mom, “You’re just acting all clingy and mean because you don’t have a man in your life.” She’s a great role model for young women. Especially during the climax of the film she sees her crush kissing another girl at midnight. Later, at a diner, she confronts the boy and instead of him explaining, he just kisses her. I honestly don’t know if this was supposed to be a happy ending or not.
• Hilary Swank as the Times Square Alliance lady:
• At one point in time, the ball that’s supposed to drop at midnight gets stuck. One of the lights goes out and she makes a comment along the lines of, “It’s 2011 and we haven’t moved past the Christmas lights where if one goes out the whole thing doesn’t work?” Hey, she makes a good fucking point. How can you have that in the script and still go along with it? Clearly, someone along the lines realized this was bullshit and left it in.
• They bring in a guy to fix that she apparently fired even though he had worked there for 37 years. If you have worked at a place for 37 years, the only reason you should be fired is if there’s a Sandusky situation.
• At one point when the ball is broken, she address the Times Square crowd via the screens in Times Square where everyone listens patiently and are deeply moved by her speech. No one has ever given a crap about the Times Square Alliance and never will.
• The two pregnant couples:
• Two pregnant couples are trying to be the first to have a baby after New Year’s to win a cash prize. They are apparently the only two couples in New York City who are aware of this contest.
• It’s one of many sitcom story lines crammed into this movie.
• The two couples go back and forth in blah blah blah stuff. The big issue with this story is that around the 4th or 5th time we see these couples, it’s revealed that one of them already have kids and need the money more, but the kids weren’t in any part of the rest of the movie. Even when both couples were entering the hospital at the same time.
• When the two couples make their final appearance at the hospital, the nurse checking them in asks how far their wives’ cervix are dilated, and the fathers know off the top of their heads.
• There’s a masquerade party where 15% of the guests are wearing masks.
• Trapped in an Elevator:
• Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michelle get trapped in an elevator. Yay, another crappy sitcom storyline.
• After escaping from the elevator, Lea Michelle makes it to Times Square just in time to find out that the big pop star decided to leave to go back to the Brooklyn Museum, but for some reason everyone is ok with her, as a backup singer, just moving along with the show.
• Halle Berry plays  nurse. At the end of the movie, she gets all dressed up like she’s going to party, but then goes into a room to talk to her soldier husband on a video chat. In the background of the room there are CHRISTMAS decorations. You guys CHOSE to decorate the room with stuff from a holiday that happened a week before? If this is an attempt to point out that she’s a busy nurse who doesn’t have time to take down her Christmas decorations, then I counter with why did she hang up a sign in her own apartment that said, “Merry Christmas?” Is she just trying to remind herself everyday that she’s alone?

Okay, I can’t go on any further. Just know that there are entire story lines that I didn’t even MENTION. This movie is bloated piece of crap and it’s treatment of time and space makes “Inception” seem plausible. If you’re a glutton for the awful, like me, then I would say check it out, but if you have any normal set of criteria for watching movies, only see this if you’re in a Coma.

:00 – Ok, based on the name, this had better be a follow up to “Coach Carter.”

:07 – Not even close.

:08 – Cool, gladiators!

:13 – Oh… alien gladiators?

:19 – Gambit’s Riggins’s hair sure does look ni… look out!

:32 – Why is that thing’s blood blue?

:33 – Oh…

:46 – Right, the great John Carter of Earth. I like that the author didn’t bother to give the other planet traveling guy a cool name. If I were writing this he’d be named Spec Algernon.

:54 – Oh wow. Is that the song from the Godzilla soundtrack? They probably chose it to add a little class to the whole piece.

:55 – Oh, great, now it’s going to be stuck in my head for the next week.

:56 – “Look at how many forearms I have!”

1:08 – I’m glad Powder finally found a place that will accept him.

1:20 – Yes green man, he is beautiful. I think that has been established.

1:31 – FREEEEEEDOOOOMMMM

1:45 – This planetary civil war had better not be an allegory for anything or I’m gonna get angry.

1:46 – If Riggins can get that much air I can only imagine what a black dude could do on this planet.

Here’s the IMDB summary of the plot:

“Transplanted to Mars, a Civil War vet discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot tall barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter a princess who is in desperate need of a savior.”

Yeah… that’s exactly what I got from that trailer?

I figure this movie will do pretty well. Topless Taylor Kitsch + Disney + Don’t-Know-Any-Better-Sci-Fi-Kids = $.

I look forward to sleeping through his inspiring speeches the most.

John Edgar Hoover is a complex figure in American history. He came along at the exact moment where he could accomplish the things he wanted. He served as the creator and director of the FBI for nearly 40 years and created many technological advance used in law enforcement today. His personal life was has been subject to speculation following his death. If he were born into today’s 24 hour news cycle society he’d more likely be Augusten Burroughs than director of the FBI. We know too much about people now to make a surprising movie about someone. There won’t be any movies about Herman Cain in 40 years where you find out things and say, “He did what with those women?”

[It should be noted that I saw this movie under the best circumstances. I was one of 4 people in the theatre so I felt like an eccentric recluse who forces his staff to watch films with him.]

“J Edgar” takes a look at some of the major accomplishments of his lengthy career. If you think J. Edgar Hoover is President Herbert Hoover, you’re going to learn a lot. If you’re a student of history or just super old, chances are you’ll be familiar with a lot it, but it also focuses on a lot of his personal life. It takes some strong stands on his relationship with his mother and good friend Clyde Tolson(Armie Hammer).

Leonardo DiCaprio plays Hoover and does a phenomenal job, as expected. For DiCaprio, it’s a character similar in scope and style to Howard Hughes in “The Aviator.”(It’s the way of the future.) He completely becomes the character. It’s really gotten to the point that if he doesn’t blow you away with his performances, the entire film is a failure. DiCaprio is beyond the point of being allowed to phone it in.

A lot of care went into the production of sets and especially the makeup. A good portion of “J. Edgar” takes place when he’s an older man. The makeup looks great when they’re in a controlled environment and intentional lighting, but some scenes, especially the ones that take place outdoors, makes the elderly J. Edgar and Clyde Tolson look like Dan Aykroyd in “Nothing But Trouble.”

“J. Edgar” suffers most in its directing. Clint Eastwood wants to make every scene a poignant one and results in the movie having no ebb and flow. Everything comes off at the same level. The story is told mostly as Hoover dictates his biography and often feels like you’re being dictated to. It also suffers from the fact that J. Edgar Hoover just wasn’t really a likeable or trustworthy guy. He’s interesting, sure, but at no point did I find myself pulling for him.

It’s not a bad movie by any stretch, but also falls short of last year’s great historical biopic “The King’s Speech.” There’s an explosion near the beginning of the movie, but after that feel free to doze off at any point. Anything you miss can be filled in by the members of your house staff you forced to sit through it, or, lacking that, just check wikipedia.

When I think back to my childhood, I can’t remember what I was thinking. I can remember what I felt, but more often than not, when I try to remember what was going through my mind, I can only apply what I would think now. I’m very different from when I was when I was 15. Well, except for the fact that I still laugh at farts. (Unexpected body noises are universal comedy truths) The protagonist of “Submarine” approaches the world with that same sort of detachment. Although, I don’t think he’d like farts as much as I do.

Oliver Tate(Craig Roberts) is 15 and going through two mid-puberty crises. The hormonal pressure to have sex is becoming undeniable and his parents have grown distant. He’s made note of their lack of love-making and decides to get them together before it’s too late. His personal sex problem (new band name?) is fueled when Oliver decides to target Jordana(Yasmin Paige) a decision that’s based more on her popularity level than his attraction to her. He’s even willing to relax his rules on bullying people just to impress her.

Craig Roberts and Yasmin Paige really shine as detached teens looking for something to hold on to. The performances of the whole cast are pitch perfect throughout. It’s a rather sad movie, but also very funny in an understated way. You won’t find any one man wolf packs or brides taking a shit in the middle of the street, but there are some genuine funny moments if you’re looking for them. (They seem more precious when you have to find them.)

“Submarine” is directed by Richard Ayoade. If you’re a fan of British shows, you may recognize him as Moss on “The IT Crowd” or a couple of roles in “The Mighty Boosh.” He has directed a few things before, but this is his most ambitious project. It really is quite stunning. His use of colors is stunning. Most of the world is filled with grays and blacks, but occasionally someone’s outfit will pop. There are some “Big Fish” time stop shots that are used a bit too often, but not to the point of annoyance.

“Submarine” explores the subject of relationships. Focusing on one relationship that’s just getting started and another that’s slowly flickering out. I couldn’t quite justify giving “Submarine” a Full Energy Drink, but it’s definitely worth a Coffee for the great performances, directing and subtle sense of humor.